Homophobia

The title of this entry has already struck fear and anger into the hearts and minds of some people who may eventually read it.  However, have no fear.  This is simply my commentary and explanation on my feelings about this increasingly important social issue and an ever growing issue with the people in my life.

I won't give the time and effort to type out the word "homosexual" every time I say it in this entry.  We all know what homosexuality is and I will make it very clear that when I use the word "gay" and "gays", I am not using it in a derogatory sense.  It is simply how society identifies homosexuals and if my Sociology book calls them gays, that is politically correct enough for me.

Just like my Helen of Troy entry, I have done my research.  Although it was Wikipedia research, it was research nonetheless.  This isn't a term paper so Wikipedia is allowed.

Homophobia Wiki

"Homophobia is like racism and anti-Semitism and other forms of bigotry in that it seeks to dehumanize a large group of people, to deny their humanity, their dignity and personhood" - Coretta Scott King 

This quote really gets to the heart of what many people find homophobia to be.  Personally, I think that comparing homophobia to racism, anti-semitism, and bigotry is ridiculous.  People are born black and Jewish.  In my opinion, people are not born gay. I believe that God made man in his image.  God's image is not gay.  If it was, Jesus would have been gay because he is the closest thing to God to ever be on earth.  I'm not high and mighty.  I'm no holy roller.  As you can tell, my language isn't squeaky clean and I am quite cynical.  However, I believe in the Lord and that is the way I see things.  I will get back to the "born gay or not born gay" issue later.  For now, I will continue to focus on the King quote.

To me, homophobia is the unreasonable fear of gay people.  Phobia means extreme fear.  The quote mentions nothing of fear however.  It talks about dehumanizing gay people and taking away their dignity and personhood.  That has nothing to do with fear.  It is wrong, but has nothing to do with fear.  Something I think people miss out on when they use the term "homophobe" is the fact that not many people are unreasonably afraid of gay people but the fact that many people just disagree with or dislike them.  Maybe this observation is neither here nor there to you but I think it is worth recognizing.

I should probably take a moment to explain why the subject of homosexuality is even important to me.  I have seen this lifestyle bring so many people down.  I won't say that it has ruined lives because that would be very offensive.  Two people that are very dear to my heart are gay.  For the people who know my situation, I may seem bitter.  To some, I'm just jealous.  To a select few, I'm only holding a grudge.

The main reason I see it necessary to post on this issue is a conversation I had a few nights ago.  I asked a close friend of mine if he thought I was homophobic.  His answer, "Hell yes."  It kinda stung.  My reactions, or my actions towards gay people in my life has earned me that reputation.  I think it is an extremely unfair reputation I have been tagged with.  I have no unreasonable fear concerning gays, nor do I harbor hate towards gay people in general.  However, gay people in general are not the people in my life.  Maybe I just have the really crazy ones around me or maybe its just normal in that sect of society.  I can explain my feelings perfectly though. 

Let me start at the beginning, or somewhat close to it.  I'll condense it.  Someone very important to me, that I care very much for, that means everything to me, is gay.  A difficult pill to swallow for anyone if you understood who the person is and how she relates to myself.  Another person who was very close to me is gay.  Notice that the most important part of that sentence isn't "is gay" but, "was very close to me".  See, the one person, the really important one, has been around for quite a long time.  If you read the last entry, you may know her by another name.  At some point in my life, both these people were it for me.  I mean it for me by explaining that at some point, these people were all I had.  I trusted them with anything.  They knew more about me than anyone else.  The really important one still knows me more than anyone one in my life than my mother.  This should explain why they, and more specifically, her, the important one, meant so much to me.

The one girl is someone I was very attached to, and very much in love with.  The other girl knew that.  She knew it well.  As I said, she was someone I trusted.  I had told her everything about the first girl.  My joys, frustration, anger, triumphs, and failures.  Little did I know, the greatest failure when it came to the first girl, was trusting the second one.  I try not to wallow in my self pity.  Many people think I dwell on the past too much.  It isn't something I try to do, but it happens.  Its pretty hard not to dwell on the big stuff.  I can let someone cussing me out go.  I can talk through almost anything.  This is something that is hard to release, which is why I'm accused of holding a grudge and being bitter.

What had happened was.  As I said, the second girl knew everything about me and the first girl.  She knew what the first one meant to me, and she betrayed me.  I don't say that people betrayed me lightly.  If you take my fries while I'm in the bathroom, that's not betrayal, you're just a douche.  This person, however, betrayed me.  I don't know how long it was, but the two girls were dating for quite a long time without telling me.  So, not only did she know how I felt, but she kept supporting me and being my person to run to about the first girl, while she was dating her.  Is it just me, or is that kinda shitty?  At least six months this went on.  Okay, do it for a month, then you're scared to tell me, understandable.  Do it for three months, you're just looking for a good way to tell me.  After six months, you're a coward.  You are a lying, spineless, coward who is just hoping they aren't found out.  With me, it isn't the initial act that gets me.  You did something wrong.  Sack up and tell me.

Let me point out something I have seen in the two prominent people in my life that are gay.  Dishonesty.  These people lied to me for a long time, continued to lie after I found out, and still lie to me.  These two people are the only people in my life, ever, to my knowledge, to lie to my face.  I don't mean lying over the phone or through text.  I mean they looked me in the eye and told me something that I knew for a fact was a lie.  Not only do they do that, but I have seen them lie to each other countless times.  It just doesn't seem that they value honesty very much.

Another thing that I have noticed is manipulation.  Brainwashing would be a more accurate term but that's neither here nor there.  In any gay relationship I have ever seen, there is a manipulator and someone getting manipulated.  There is someone wearing the pants and telling the lies and someone out in the cold naked believing them.  I was the cold naked one to both of them and still am in many circumstances.  Although I was not in a relationship with either, I was manipulated a hell of a lot.

I guess the last main thing I see is delusion.  There is an illusion of happiness in a life of misery.  If there's one thing that irks me its being told someone is happy when I know someone well enough to know that they aren't.  Fights, lies, manipulation, and they claim to be happy.  Yeah, maybe you think you're happy.  Hell, maybe you are.  But if that is the case, inform yourself of your happiness.  If your social networking site is all about "fuck my life", "screw this I'm done", and "I just want to move away and start all over", then you may not be as happy as you think.  I'm not happy with my life sometimes, but I'll be damned if I claim to be.    

With dishonesty, manipulation, and delusion being mentioned, I'll move to the "born gay or not" thing.  As I stated, I don't think people are born gay.  I've seen people manipulated into being gay.  I know of people turning to gay relationships out of desperation.  Maybe straight relationships never worked out.  I know all too well how much people get hurt.  If straight relationships have led people to so much heartache, some people see if a gay one would work just for the sake of wanting to be loved.  In what I have witnessed, it happens and someone has been there to say "straight relationships won't work and you should be with me", which is part of the manipulation I speak of.  I guess that means I see alot of selfishness also.  If you cared about someone, you would care about helping them, not taking advantage of them in a vulnerable state just to get what you want. 

I'm not one to say that straight relationships won't absolutely tear your world apart.  I have seen it happen to almost everyone I care about and it has happened to me.  However, from what I have seen, gay relationships do the same and more. 

Now, after all that, what am I actually saying about homosexuality? Perhaps you think I am so bitter from betrayal that I hate gay people.  Do I hate what has happened to me so much that I would hate an entire section of society?  Do I have such a grasp on my grudge that any gay person is dehumanized to me?  The simple and emphatic answer is once again, "Hell no." 

Believe it or not, one of the most sweet and supportive people in my life is gay.  I can be honest with her and tell her how I feel.  I haven't known her long, but I care very much for her.  I don't agree with her being gay because it isn't what I believe in.  Does that make her any less of a person or friend?  No.  It surely doesn't.  Some of my friends don't agree with what I do but, they are my friends nonetheless. 

Once again, believe it or not, I still talk to, or used to talk to the first girl, the one I cared so much about.  I don't burn bridges often, and I haven't burned mine with her.  The second girl however, the bridge has been burned.  Something about being betrayed and then being called the immature one doesn't sit well with me.  I'm no saint.  I talk shit when shit is talked.  Anyone can sit on a moral high horse and say that they would let it go.  However, on a serious realistic note, I don't know of more than a handful of people who would.  Those people really are saints. 

My bitterness is well documented and my grudge holding has had books written about it.  But look me in the eye and betray my trust.  Look me in the eye and tell me everything is on the up and up.  Look me in the eye and tell me you would let it go and I'll look you in the eye and tell you that you're full of shit.  I'm not bitter, I'm betrayed.  I don't hold a grudge, I just hold my trust. 

The people in my life that have hurt me the most just so happen to be gay.  That doesn't mean I hate gay people.  It means I am weary of the lifestyle that I have been shown that they live.  I have been hurt by them and I have seen them tear each other apart.  Can you blame me for looking at them a bit differently?

There is no hate, there is caution.  There is no dehumanization, there is distrust.  There is no robbing of their dignity, there is robbing of my understanding.  I don't dislike them but, I sure as hell dislike what they have done to me and to themselves. 

This whole entry has been to defend myself and explain my feelings.  I hope I have done that.  None of this is meant to be offensive.  Sometimes, the truth hurts, and this is my truth.  This is how I see it.  Everyone is allowed to have their opinions and this is mine. 

I could go on about this subject for days, but this entry alone had taken me four.  I'm not here to pass judgment on how you live.  I simply know what I have witnessed.