Wanderlust

Its late and I'm at work. Times like these are when I do most of my thinking, and writing. I scribbled two little numbers while I was watching Dexter.

Scratch Paper

My mind feels like the piece of paper that a teacher gives you for the SAT. No answers. Nothing Official. Just a place to write down the process of coming to a real answer. All I have are thoughts, ideas, delusions. Fantasies. I haven't filled in any bubbles yet. I'm just working on the process. There's an unbalanced equation in my life, and I'm trying to work it out so that her and I come out on the same side. But the coefficients aren't coming out right. I better ask for more paper. And time. I'm running out of both.


I've kind of gotten a preoccupation with time lately. Maybe its the flow of where my life is going. Transition from one group of people to another. I think its that I really feel like time is running out with some very important people. That preoccupation led me to this next thing I wrote.

Tick Tock

Tick tock
Tick tock
There's no way to stop the clock.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Hold on tight to what you've got.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Got no strength, got no power.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Enjoy the days. Every hour.
Tick tock
Tick tock
No turning back. You're too deep in it.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Take in every single minute.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Watch your words. Please don't wreck it.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Soak up every little second.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Cause someday you'll run out of rhymes.
Tick tock
Tick tock
Just like you ran out of time.

As for the title, Wanderlust is a song by The Weeknd that just gets me right in the feels.

Why would you try, to waste this precious time?
Cause tonight I'll be right here.
And tomorrow you won't care.

Precious little diamond.
I give it all to you.
Precious little diamond.
Let it come to you. 

You're in love with something bigger than love.
You believe in something than trust.
Wanderlust. Wanderlust.  

Inspiration N Stuff

Hi guys.  If anyone is out there still checking up, I'm sorry I haven't been around.  Writing lost it's luster to me for quite a while.  The last time I checked in was at the beginning of 2013.  Here we are almost 4 months through 2014.  So it has been a year and some months since I dropped by to say hello.  I don't have a lot to talk about (Bullshit. I do.)  However, not all things can be said where anyone can see.  So, why don't I just tell you what I can?  Don't look at this as some "year in review" like I did last time.  That isn't the format I'm shooting for.  Instead of that, I think I will just share some thoughts, stories, and maybe an emotion or two.  This may be a long one.  Grab a drink and settle in.

Whatcha thinkin bout? Nothin, just stuff.

Sometimes I get super butthurt that not everyone in the world understands how pricelessly funny the inside jokes that my friends and I have. Let me tell you about one.  I went to see Flux Pavilion in October with my squad of friends.  We have been going to a lot of shows together since September, and it has been amazing.  Flux is my all time favorite DJ and producer, so it was really special for me to see him.  Someday I will do an entire entry regarding the magic of an EDM show, but now is not the time.  Anyway, if you have been to one, you know that it is one hell of an event.  Just a big, insane, breath-taking array of lights and sounds. Most people that I have been around for their first show describe it as "the craziest party I have ever been to." 

In the midst of this party.  This insane experience of filthy bass and enough lights to blind your mom, I look over at one of my very close friends and I'm surprised to see the most blank expression on his baffled face.  First I thought he was just enamored with the fact that the lasers just came on.  But on closer examination, I could tell that it was his thinking face.  I leaned over to ask him what he was thinking and he looked at me with a half-smile and said "Nothin, just stuff."  Being the inquisitive mind that I am, I asked him to elaborate.  In a deafening blast of music I heard him spit out an explanation that went roughly like this.  "What if it isn't all what we think it is man? Maybe this is just an alternate reality. We may not even be here. What if this is just an alternate reality?"  Woah woah woah bro.  Ease your mind a little bit.  I can't remember exactly what I said to him, but I'm sure I shrugged it off and went back to having my face melted.  

It was weeks later that him and I actually talked about what he was lost in thought about.  Alternate reality is something we have all kinda heard of.  He was thinking so far in the future that it terrified me, mainly because thinking any time past the next three months makes me scared as hell.  This guy was thinking so far in advance that at that show, he thought he wasn't even there.  Someone else was just experiencing his alternate reality in the future.  To call this guy an over-thinker would be a legendary understatement.  Having this in common with him makes us get along very well.  

If you ever ask me what I'm thinking, I will most likely smile and say "Stuff."  That's the beauty of the inside joke.  In my special little circle of people who get it, the answer is just "Stuff."  Maybe it was just the moment, maybe it is the fact that four or five people understand that I'm just thinking about stuff sometimes.  That is the humor in it for me.  

Get past the humor though.  After the giggles subside over "Hey we saw Flux and you were just standing there thinking about stuff", think about it.  In that sweaty mass of people, at that euphoric event that is called an EDM show, the stuff is still there.  Stuff can strike at any time.  It can be as crazy as pondering alternate reality, or wondering why the hell you are on earth to begin with.  No matter where you go, stuff is one deep thought away.  Stuff is anywhere your mind can take you.

"My deepest fear is that I'll be a horrible mom."

"I'm scared that I won't ever be able to give anyone 100% of my heart because I gave it all to her."

"If we opened up the first Medical Marijuana dispensary in Alabama, we would make millions in months."

"I just want to travel after graduation. I'm not sure where to work."

"There's so many what ifs I want to take care of. I'm still young."

This is all stuff.  Stuff I've heard from the people in my life recently.  This was all just a rambling, incoherent way to say that your mind will take you so many places.  I think the key is to just keep a leash on your wild mind when it comes to certain things.  But in the end, what the hell do I know about it?  My mind chewed its leash off and it isn't coming back.  

Inspiration

What's inspiration anyway? Well let's see what the nice people over at Mirriam-Websters think.  

Inspiration- something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create.

As I said earlier, writing lost its luster for me in the last year.  I have always loved writing, and if I sat down and forced it, something would eventually come out.  Forcing it never helped anyone.  Everything I wrote for a long time was shit.  On top of already being very hard on myself when it comes to what I write, I didn't have any fire.  I had nothing of value to say.  Any intelligent or somewhat insightful thing that my mind could muster was so covered in bitterness and uncertainty that the final product was nothing that I wanted anyone to see.  I read stupid inspirational drivel online to try and spark myself up and nothing happened.  

It wouldn't be entirely true to say that I have only ever had one real inspiration to write. But I have only ever had one main inspiration.  I've been taking a hard look at losing my inspiration.  It isn't just losing a friend, someone I love, a crying shoulder.  It's losing the reason I had for writing.  The reason I had for waking up.  The reason I had to hope that the future was a time to believe in and look forward to and not a place filled with "what the fuck?" and "how did I get here?"  

I don't fancy myself a "real" writer.  I've only gotten paid to write on a few occasions.  I've won a couple lame little contests for poetry that I'm embarrassed to look at.  However, I do look at myself as a creator.  That's part of what the written word is to me.  It's a creation.  A story, poem, or blog entry is a house that I built with my thoughts and words.  If writing is like building a house, what happens when I don't have the materials to build anymore?  If I wake up and there's no more lumber for me to use, how will I build?  What happens when there are no more bricks to be stacked on each other?  

I've been drying up the resources at my main hardware store and its almost out of what I need to carry on building.  I bled my inspiration dry for so fucking long that I didn't stop to consider the fact that I can get it in every waking moment of my life.  The materials I need to build may not be at the store.  In the old days, you didn't get to go to Lowe's to get your materials.  You took an axe and an ox to the woods and brought that shit back with you.  

This isn't to say that Lowe's won't be there.  Lowe's isn't going anywhere.  But the thing about retail is that it requires currency.  The currency that I used at Lowe's is losing value with every second that ticks away. I am almost out of time.  

I think that painful reality leaves me with two choices. 

1. Tear down everything I've built and reuse the same inspiration for other creations.

2. Take an axe and an ox to the woods and bring that shit back with me.

You have to find inspiration in anything everything. 

The way the bass feels when the headliner drops it for the first time.

The way the wind blows your disk toward the hole when you thought you had a bad throw in disk golf. 

The way a stranger looks at you when you jump off their car for them.

The way the American flag looks when stretched over the outfield at Turner Field.

The deep and uncontrollable inhale when you kiss someone you love for the first time.  

The materials I need to build are everywhere.  Now it's a matter of acquiring them to build.  It is just so damn hard to go out in the woods to get the materials when I can drive past that house I already built and think "Wow, the front porch on that one is awesome. I should just make another one like that."  

I've gotten almost too deep into the analogy for me to keep track of so I know whoever is reading could be getting lost.  I'm not 100% what I am even trying to say.  I think the point I want to make is that the inspiration I had was beautiful.  It gave me a reason to breathe when all I wanted was to drown.  But my inspiration is almost out of oxygen to breathe into me.  I can spend the rest of my life gasping for it or I can realize that every living thing on this planet can breathe into me.  

Inspiration is like love because love is almost always the source of anyone's inspiration.  Love breathes life into everyone.  I can find oxygen again, but I'll always want a breath of the first love I ever had.  

In school we were always taught to conclude what we write.  Just a fancy way of the teacher wanting you to write what you've already written so she can see it in a more concise way.  I have no way to summarize what I have written.  In the last 8 weeks I have felt every human emotion from punch-drunk-love-euphoria to the deepest depths of human depression that I didn't know existed.  This entry wasn't a recap of all that.  It was just what I needed to get out about what's been going on.  I hope in some way that whoever comes across this can make it the materials they need to build something in their life.  

2013: Defy The Prophesy

Screw the Mayan that was in charge of the calendar.  I'm guessing he got to 2012 and yellow fever took his life.  Those bastard conquistadores messed up everything for the poor Mayans.  Anyway, it is now 2013.  We all made it another year.

At the risk of sounding cliche, where the hell did the year ago? It seems like a couple weeks ago I was at Turner Field enjoying my Bravos beat the brakes off the Phillies.  My dad has always said "The older you get, the faster they go." and he was absolutely correct.  2012 is a smoky blur of smiles and laughs.  It was a wonderful and shitty year.  I learned alot about myself and my friends and I also realized that I know nothing about myself and my friends.  I am happy to say however, that the good times of 2012 far outweigh the bad.  I have no doubt that I have grown as a person and maybe even got a little more mature. 

I got close to some people that used to intimidate the shit out of me.  An apartment that I used to feel awkward at is now a place where I'm welcome to take up the whole couch, put my feet up, and eat all the Jello and leftover Macaroni.  I didn't know how bad I needed someone to confide in until they found me and now I have a wonderful friend.

I got back in touch with someone I thought was out of my life forever.  Thanks to the Iphone that I got for Christmas, I can talk to her all the time even though she is half a world away.  Talking to her never ceases to make me smile, and having someone to make me smile is something I've really missed in my life. 

I got even closer to my ride-or-die friends.  They have my back and I have theirs.  I have a phone full of people to call when I'm in trouble.  I've heard my whole life that your friends from high school fade away.  Well, some of them did, but most of them are a text away and would still love to chill.

I finally got a job.  I work with people I like being around and I finally have some disposable income.

There is no doubt that I have been blessed in 2012.  Family, friends, and fraternity have given me countless hours of enjoyment and I am thankful for them all.

2013 has things in store that I can't even begin to imagine at this point.  I rung in the new year at work.  Although I was bummed at first, I realized that it was the first time I had ever made money on New Years Eve.  I can't count how many gorgeous girls came in so I had plenty of eye candy and even a few girls to hit on and strike out with. 

The first official night of the year I spent with friends from high school before they headed back to college and internships.  One of my closest friends is moving to Orlando tomorrow to work at Disney.  Her being in Tuscaloosa was bad enough but now she will be in Florida.  She is one of the most driven people I know and I am just as excited to see what the new year holds for her as I am for myself.  Tonight was awesome.  I sat around and played board games with some of the people I hold dear to my heart.  It feels like we're all growing up because we hang out sober and enjoy the hell out of it.

I have made my resolutions for the year and I pray I have the willpower to keep them.  The first is to be healthier.  Maybe not lose weight or something like that but, just be more active.  Smoke less, move more, breathe more.

Number two is a resolution I have had a few years running but I really want to see it through this time.  I need to let the past be past.  For so long I have kept myself in a constant state of making sure other people have what they need without considering what it does to me.  After much consideration I realized there is only so much I can do.  When a friend needs to talk to me about something important, I give them my time and attention within the day, in person, without distraction.  I don't say "I'm here for you and we will talk about it soon." and never make a fucking effort.  I don't lie to my friends and say I will hang out with them when I know for a fact that I won't.  I won't fool someone into thinking that they are important to me and try to hide the fact that I really just don't give a shit about them.  Its time for me to stop letting things happen to me that I would not do to my friends.  2013 is a time to get rid of the "friends" who see me as often as my aunt and uncle in Atlanta.  Its time for me to involve myself with people who value me as I value them and forget people who just play the game and say I'm important and never show it.  2013 is the year to set foot upon my future and stop resting on my past because its become perfectly clear that the people from the past that I thought were concerned with me, are only concerned with themselves.

2013 has so much in store and I'm ready for the changes I make to bring them out. 

Happy New Year everyone!

Over My Dead Body

How I'm feeling it, doesn't matter

Cause you know I'm okay

Instead, I ask myself "Why do you worry?"

You know, know I'm the same

You know, I know you don't love me baby

They tried to take you away from me

Only, over my dead body

This is the beginning to "Over My Dead Body" by Drake, sang by Chantal Kreviazuk. The verses kinda kill the message of the intro/chorus. But damn, that intro is good. Something about accepting the fact that your affection is un-returned and still giving it is powerful because I think everyone has been there. I'm pretty sure love is strongest when you get nothing from it and continue. And they can only take it away, over my dead body.

Stumblr. Dumblr. Tumblr.

My life recently has turned into one long, lonely, sleepless night of Stumbleupon, Twitter, and EDSBS. At some point the few people I speak to on a daily basis go to sleep because they're normal ass civilians. That's when I turn to the internet, TV, and iTunes for my entertainment. The internet is a dangerous place to play. Feeble minds fall for anything and that is exactly what the web wants. This all sounds crazy but I'm going somewhere with it. Despite the name of this site, I haven't bypassed much bullshit yet and I'm about to give my opinion on bullshit I've found on the internet. 

First and foremost are people on Twitter. Seriously. Shut the fuck up. Having a Twitter isn't your personal permission to display your jackassery for the world. To be fair, I am a foul-mouthed asshole on Twitter sometimes. One thing I'm not is ignorant. Anyone can see we're fucked because we re-elected Obama and everyone knows Alabama fans are insufferable low-lives. Twitter had just made those two groups, along with others, twice as bad. 

Another little nugget I just discovered is Tumblr. I had seen it a few times from Stumbleupon and I thought it wasn't half bad. About two weeks ago, a close friend of mine texted me a novel of a message that I thought was really cool. I thought it was cool because it was written by Fall Out Boy's main songwriter, Pete Wentz. Since yall may not know, Fall Out Boy is my favorite band. Feel free to judge. A little of me is stuck in my tenth grade angsty identity and I still enjoy the music. Here is the message I received. (Special thanks to Helen) 

Now that's cool in my opinion. A little borderline on the Myspace side of things but whatever. After seeing this my curiosity about Tumblr was high so I went over to check it out. What I found was a clusterfuck of things that I assumed died with Myspace. Don't get me wrong. Some of the stuff is cool, but alot of it is over simplified three to four line quotes with simple backgrounds. Not that simple is bad. Shit, I would kill for some simple. However, let me show you a few gems and how I see things. 

That's cool I reckon. I like when people stick it out through the hard times as well. Just seems a bit odd to put it in a picture. Doesn't it go without saying that resilience is an admirable qualilty?

It seems like it would be a bit more productive to put "Things I Should Work On" as the heading of this list.

#ShitIveNeverHeard

I usually just drink. 

It won't work because I'm mayor of the friend zone. It won't work because "It will ruin the friendship." Well damnit the friendship will be over sooner or later if I finally get the balls to admit to myself that someone else in the world can make me happy. I don't believe anyone else can make me happy. Wait, is that the one reason it will work? This picture just mindfucked me. 

Yeah no shit. Try it for year after year. I don't have enough fingers and toes for how many times I've watched this happen.

I don't let go. Making this little number twice as annoying. I don't let go. I guess what makes things like this burn me is when I see people who seem to be oblivious to others and post this stuff. I've felt the way these pictures and quotes describe a million times but I guess I just thought it wasn't worthy of writing down and putting online. Seriously. I look at one person's Tumblr and I'm like "Damn. Are they all this bad?" The answer is that in all the images I saw on Tumblr, that person's and a shit ton of randos, yeah they are mostly that bad. 

If this doesn't all add up I'm sorry for how random it seems. Things just get to me. If you read my last post you will get this, I had the drug again on saturday night. Trust me people, the drug doesn't mix with alcohol. One minute everyone is chilling by the fire and the next I'm damn near crying telling someone everything I think before I even know I thought it. Everyone has feelings and some bastard decided to invent alcohol so we could vomit those feelings into the lap of the person we're in love with and hope to hell they don't think "Well fuck here he goes again." 

The deepest thoughts are meant to stay deep. Because the second you let them go to the wrong person then every bit of power you had is lost. You're leverage is gone, and saving face is no longer an option. You can play cool when you see them and act like shit is normal but they know now. You told them what you held down for six years and they are free to do with it what they will. Maybe it will get held over my head and I'll get taken advantage of like times before. Maybe they can play it cool and get on with their lives without you because its pretty goddamn obvious that getting on without you is easy. These are all things meant to stay inside. Things that should only be shared when the time is right. The problem is that whiskey doesn't care that she just started dating the 43rd person since you've told her you loved her. Whiskey wanted the words out and whiskey got its way. 

I guess the reason that Tumblr jumped all over me is this. I went six weeks without speaking to her and thought I had it made. I had started talking to other girls and thought maybe I could pull this off. The sad fact is that I can't pull it off. Call me weak if you want. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Reality is a bitch and the bitch of my reality is that no matter how much time has passed, I will come back. I can delete her number  but I will never forget it. I can burn the pictures but if I blink I will still see them. The bitch of my reality is that I can't make myself stop before I get the shot that I know I deserve. 

Light It Up

I'm never coming down off you, no.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Tell me that I loved too hard, I took it too far.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Tell me that I lost my brain, its all down the drain. 

Its too far gone to turn back now.

The parachute's locked, the breaks went out. 

And why don't you try it. 

I know you baby, I swear you'll like it. 

Light it up.

Light it up. 

Light it up.

I'm ready to go, ready to go.

Overdosin' on you babe, high off your love. 

My Excuse Is That I'm Young

Well I haven't written the next part of my short story.  My time has been spoken for lately.  I just turned in an eight and six page research for English and Sociology. It really sucked writing them. But if you have questions about white collar crime or Ernest Hemingway, I'm the man to ask.  I've also been busy with fraternity stuff lately. It has been an average semester so far. I promised myself that I would keep this updated often, but lying to myself is nothing new to me. 

Like many other entries and as the title says, this entry is inspired by music. I know it has been out for months but I'm just now getting into Take Care, a Drake album.  Its a solid album.  I'd suggest it to any rap fan or any pop fan. It has a feel to it like 808's and Heartbreak by Kanye. Not as much rapping as expected and some r&b vibes. Drake has his songs that he is the typical rap star talking about fame, sex, and money. The intriguing thing about this album is the songs that talk about how fame hasn't filled the holes in his life and hasn't ultimately made him a happy person. I can relate a little.

I haven't achieved worldwide fame and money like Drake has. However, I know where he is coming from. Fame is what he thought he wanted. Money was supposed to make him happy. The weed, the lean, the women. They were all supposed to make him happy. The way I relate is that I've achieved something that hasn't been everything I thought it would be.

Last fall I rushed. Pledgeship and initiation were some of the best things to happen to me. Before pledgeship, I had one brother. Pledgeship gave me ten. Initiation gave me forty. Going Greek was the best choice that I have ever made. However, the fraternity didn't fulfil all that I thought it would. In my mind, becoming a brother would solve everything in my life. I would have friends for life, have people to be around all the time, party whenever I wanted, and have women flocking to me.  I don't think I'm the only person guilty of high expectations of everything falling into place by themselves. 

The fact is, being in a fraternity did give me friends to be around constantly. However, it doesn't mean that I don't have to work towards building relationships with my brothers. I am around girls all the time but, that hasn't made me any less skeptical of asking a girl for her number. I can chat a girl up all day long, but when it comes to anything past small talk, I'm still nervous as a seventh grader.

I guess my main point is that expecting something you do or achieve to fix everything is unrealistic. Do not get me wrong. I love my fraternity with everything, but it didn't make me into a completely different person without problems and a past.

There is a song on Take Care called Marvin's Room. In the song, Drake is at a party and finds himself drunk and going through his phone for old flames. He calls one and more or less says that he is intoxicated, has had plenty of women in the last week, and is famous. However, he still asks someone he has loved and lost to stay on the phone and take the weight off his shoulders. The way I relate is that I have been so blessed in life and in my fraternity but, I still find myself intoxicated wanting to talk to the person I love most. I still have weight on my shoulders that only they can carry. As Drake says, I end up just wanting to call and say, "I'm just sayin, you could do better."

On Take a Shot for Me, Drake is a bit more mean. He uses his fame to get back at an ex. It is a song that hits a nerve pretty hard with me. "I made it. Yeah, I made it. First I made you who you are and then I made it." Sometimes you can't help but to say you made someone who they are. Especially when you were with them through their toughest times in life. The best part of the song is when he says, "And the voice in your speaker, that's me." I won't ever record a song and be the voice in some one's speaker. However, sometimes my biggest wish is to be the voice in some one's ear. I want to be the person in my drunk dial victim's ear. When they end up occupying your mind so much, isn't it normal for you to want them to feel the same?