If any of you reading this notice the times that I post new entries and when I will most likely post entries from now on, you will see that it is late. I have to be at Northwest Shoals to iron out complications in registration in about three hours, and I have a job interview in six. In my mind, all things that seem important in life take a back seat when the contents of my mashed up mind need an escape. I can't scream them, I can't put them in a song, and I sure as hell can't share these thoughts with the people they're about because, let's face it, they either don't give two shits or they are too caught up with their own stuff to understand. So now I will share them with you, which for the moment means I will share them with Jordan Brasher, the only person I know who follows this page.
Something that you may notice that I say alot is "if you know me" because I don't know who looks at this. If you know me, you will know the situations I write of and if you don't, you will be left in the dark. I can't bring myself to put someone's name on the internet. After all, anyone in the world who types "Bypass the Bullshit Blogspot" on Google will see this and smearing someone's "good reputation" (air quotes) on the internet is about as shitty as the people I have had the pleasure of knowing. With that being said, if you know me, you know what's up. If you don't know me, my friends, the pleasure of my social and relationship status, or my surroundings, you will in due time. For now, just as I said in my first post, suspend reality and become me for a while. Its pretty fun sometimes.
I'll put this very lightly. My love life is about as bad as it gets. Its such a ground breaking concept isn't it? A guy with love problems has a blog. What's new on the internet besides this dude bitching about his problems? Nothing is new. When you boil everything down, not so much in a political or economical sense, but in a social sense, everything comes down to love. Just look at the whole Helen of Troy situation. This lady had people fighting over her. I'm not talking about two dudes fighting or a girl and a guy fighting for her. This Helen of Troy was "The face that launched a thousand ships" (don't hold me to the details, I'm rusty on mythology) and that means exactly like it sounds. Two men wanted her and it started a whole damn war. Maybe Helen was beautiful, maybe she simply made people feel like they were worth something, or maybe she was just a really manipulative bitch who loved the attention. That's the thing with women (or one of the many uncountable things about women). Sometimes its blue eyes and dimples, sometimes its long brown hair and a good figure, sometimes its a smile worth a million dollars and tears that would turn Rambo into a blubbering idiot. There's a million things that could have made Helen worth all the trouble, all the money, all the blood and tears. If Helen was anything like the girl I have crossed paths with, it was a million things plus more.
Helen of Troy
Perhaps saying that I crossed paths with this girl is a bit less than what it is. Our paths crossed, zig-zagged, ran parallel, separated, and did basically anything a path can do in six years. I'll spare you the details of my feelings for this girl. I'm sure those will come later and you can swoon over how sweet I am and all that stuff. For right now, I will put my feelings for this girl in terms you have already learned. She is my Helen of Troy. The face that launched a thousand texts, tears, calls, and profanities. Helen was worth a war, and to me, so is this girl. As we all know, war has casualties.
My war over Helen is not much different than the original one. I don't know how much blood has been involved, but I'm sure I have fallen over a few times drinking her off my mind. I know nothing of a true war in terms of the hardships for a soldier, his spiritual walk, his family, or his friends. However, in my war, a toll has been taken on all of those.
Church has become almost a foreign word to me. I met Helen at my church back in ninth grade. Those were the glory days in my youth group. I was a youth leader, in charge of our youth building's game room, and overall an active member in the church. When things with Helen and I changed or got bad, it made church a place that was hard for me to stomach. Now, far be it from me to blame a girl on my stagnant walk with God. Many things affect spirituality. Perhaps one thing that makes church even harder is the fact that I miss so many people that were in my life in those times. It could be my faded relationships with my youth pastors that I cared so deeply about. It could also be that when I visited Helen at her church, I met and befriended some of the people that make my life hell. Helen is not the reason that I forgot how to get in touch with the Lord. However, I still can't help but see her face whenever I am in that building, and that makes being close to God quite a chore.
My family has suffered as a result of my war. Let me get this straight though. I do not have a bad family life. My parents are the greatest parents that anyone could ask for. I have done everything possible for my parents to lose faith in me and they never have. However, saying people in my family have not been affected by my decisions to fight these battles would be an outright lie. Everyone knows how it goes. You go out and you are having a great time until you see that special someone walk into a bedroom with the person you wish you could be the most. Staying at the party isn't an option at that point. Nobody wants to be around you, and you don't want to be around anyone. In my case, the people that I go home to face the brunt of the frustration that builds due to outside situations, the biggest of those situations being Helen of Troy. I've stomped and huffed and puffed and yelled and threw and anything you can imagine when you're pissed off. I assure you, my dad doesn't enjoy being woke up by the back door slamming after I come in from blasting half a pack of cigarettes. He actually has alot of questions at that time. I've seen my two year old cousin cry when I walk in the door because she doesn't know who I am. Times like that hit you hard. I spent so much time chasing my own happiness wanting to walk Helen to her doorstep that I forgot who my family was. I got the text messages from my aunts and uncles. I ignored the calls from my grandmother. I even walked out the door while my cousin (16 year old girl who lives with us) was still talking just so I could be the first person to see Helen at the party. Yes, I know these are all my decisions, and I know they were wrong. "Love makes you do crazy things" can be a bullshit excuse but, sometimes a bullshit excuse is all you can manage. Its the excuse I've been using for quite a while now.
I just sat at my computer for a solid thirty minutes trying to figure out what to say in this section. I plan on writing a book someday so I can't tell it all. However, narrowing down how this war of mine has affected my friendships is a novel in and of itself. Any frustration my family has felt is most likely increased tenfold for my friends. I will say this for my friends just like I did my family. I don't have bad friendships. I don't know how my friends handle me. The few that have closest to me during times of unrest are the biggest blessings in my life. I must say that the shame of shames in my life are the people that I lost as a result of what was going on with Helen. The number is most likely staggering if I actually took the time to think about it. I enherited Helen's disagreements with people who had done nothing to me. I allowed myself to be blinded by her thoughts instead of having my own. Most importantly, I let competition over her ruin friendships.
"All is fair in love and war" is probably the most true paradox to ever be spoken. Love is an excuse to do anything insane and hurtful and love is the reason you should never hurt anyone. You should treat someone fairly when you love them and loving someone causes the most unfair things to happen. Do you see what I mean by paradox? People have claimed to love me and betrayed me. Its nothing new. Hell, love has driven people crazy since Paris seduced Helen. Have you ever heard the term that says "Christianity is the biggest cause of atheism"? It is kinda like saying that "Love is the number one cause of divorce." Something beautiful and right leads to things that are so ugly and wrong. My best friend, more than one best friend, has gone after Helen and been much more successful than myself on many more than one occassion. These people were loyal to me. They loved me. However, love led them to my betrayal.
If love is a battlefield and war is hell, then we can only assume that love is hell. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I am not a depressed person. Sometimes, I just have to get away from the front lines for a while and spill what is going on. That's what writing is for, and that is why I do it.
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