2013: Defy The Prophesy

Screw the Mayan that was in charge of the calendar.  I'm guessing he got to 2012 and yellow fever took his life.  Those bastard conquistadores messed up everything for the poor Mayans.  Anyway, it is now 2013.  We all made it another year.

At the risk of sounding cliche, where the hell did the year ago? It seems like a couple weeks ago I was at Turner Field enjoying my Bravos beat the brakes off the Phillies.  My dad has always said "The older you get, the faster they go." and he was absolutely correct.  2012 is a smoky blur of smiles and laughs.  It was a wonderful and shitty year.  I learned alot about myself and my friends and I also realized that I know nothing about myself and my friends.  I am happy to say however, that the good times of 2012 far outweigh the bad.  I have no doubt that I have grown as a person and maybe even got a little more mature. 

I got close to some people that used to intimidate the shit out of me.  An apartment that I used to feel awkward at is now a place where I'm welcome to take up the whole couch, put my feet up, and eat all the Jello and leftover Macaroni.  I didn't know how bad I needed someone to confide in until they found me and now I have a wonderful friend.

I got back in touch with someone I thought was out of my life forever.  Thanks to the Iphone that I got for Christmas, I can talk to her all the time even though she is half a world away.  Talking to her never ceases to make me smile, and having someone to make me smile is something I've really missed in my life. 

I got even closer to my ride-or-die friends.  They have my back and I have theirs.  I have a phone full of people to call when I'm in trouble.  I've heard my whole life that your friends from high school fade away.  Well, some of them did, but most of them are a text away and would still love to chill.

I finally got a job.  I work with people I like being around and I finally have some disposable income.

There is no doubt that I have been blessed in 2012.  Family, friends, and fraternity have given me countless hours of enjoyment and I am thankful for them all.

2013 has things in store that I can't even begin to imagine at this point.  I rung in the new year at work.  Although I was bummed at first, I realized that it was the first time I had ever made money on New Years Eve.  I can't count how many gorgeous girls came in so I had plenty of eye candy and even a few girls to hit on and strike out with. 

The first official night of the year I spent with friends from high school before they headed back to college and internships.  One of my closest friends is moving to Orlando tomorrow to work at Disney.  Her being in Tuscaloosa was bad enough but now she will be in Florida.  She is one of the most driven people I know and I am just as excited to see what the new year holds for her as I am for myself.  Tonight was awesome.  I sat around and played board games with some of the people I hold dear to my heart.  It feels like we're all growing up because we hang out sober and enjoy the hell out of it.

I have made my resolutions for the year and I pray I have the willpower to keep them.  The first is to be healthier.  Maybe not lose weight or something like that but, just be more active.  Smoke less, move more, breathe more.

Number two is a resolution I have had a few years running but I really want to see it through this time.  I need to let the past be past.  For so long I have kept myself in a constant state of making sure other people have what they need without considering what it does to me.  After much consideration I realized there is only so much I can do.  When a friend needs to talk to me about something important, I give them my time and attention within the day, in person, without distraction.  I don't say "I'm here for you and we will talk about it soon." and never make a fucking effort.  I don't lie to my friends and say I will hang out with them when I know for a fact that I won't.  I won't fool someone into thinking that they are important to me and try to hide the fact that I really just don't give a shit about them.  Its time for me to stop letting things happen to me that I would not do to my friends.  2013 is a time to get rid of the "friends" who see me as often as my aunt and uncle in Atlanta.  Its time for me to involve myself with people who value me as I value them and forget people who just play the game and say I'm important and never show it.  2013 is the year to set foot upon my future and stop resting on my past because its become perfectly clear that the people from the past that I thought were concerned with me, are only concerned with themselves.

2013 has so much in store and I'm ready for the changes I make to bring them out. 

Happy New Year everyone!

Over My Dead Body

How I'm feeling it, doesn't matter

Cause you know I'm okay

Instead, I ask myself "Why do you worry?"

You know, know I'm the same

You know, I know you don't love me baby

They tried to take you away from me

Only, over my dead body

This is the beginning to "Over My Dead Body" by Drake, sang by Chantal Kreviazuk. The verses kinda kill the message of the intro/chorus. But damn, that intro is good. Something about accepting the fact that your affection is un-returned and still giving it is powerful because I think everyone has been there. I'm pretty sure love is strongest when you get nothing from it and continue. And they can only take it away, over my dead body.

Stumblr. Dumblr. Tumblr.

My life recently has turned into one long, lonely, sleepless night of Stumbleupon, Twitter, and EDSBS. At some point the few people I speak to on a daily basis go to sleep because they're normal ass civilians. That's when I turn to the internet, TV, and iTunes for my entertainment. The internet is a dangerous place to play. Feeble minds fall for anything and that is exactly what the web wants. This all sounds crazy but I'm going somewhere with it. Despite the name of this site, I haven't bypassed much bullshit yet and I'm about to give my opinion on bullshit I've found on the internet. 

First and foremost are people on Twitter. Seriously. Shut the fuck up. Having a Twitter isn't your personal permission to display your jackassery for the world. To be fair, I am a foul-mouthed asshole on Twitter sometimes. One thing I'm not is ignorant. Anyone can see we're fucked because we re-elected Obama and everyone knows Alabama fans are insufferable low-lives. Twitter had just made those two groups, along with others, twice as bad. 

Another little nugget I just discovered is Tumblr. I had seen it a few times from Stumbleupon and I thought it wasn't half bad. About two weeks ago, a close friend of mine texted me a novel of a message that I thought was really cool. I thought it was cool because it was written by Fall Out Boy's main songwriter, Pete Wentz. Since yall may not know, Fall Out Boy is my favorite band. Feel free to judge. A little of me is stuck in my tenth grade angsty identity and I still enjoy the music. Here is the message I received. (Special thanks to Helen) 

Now that's cool in my opinion. A little borderline on the Myspace side of things but whatever. After seeing this my curiosity about Tumblr was high so I went over to check it out. What I found was a clusterfuck of things that I assumed died with Myspace. Don't get me wrong. Some of the stuff is cool, but alot of it is over simplified three to four line quotes with simple backgrounds. Not that simple is bad. Shit, I would kill for some simple. However, let me show you a few gems and how I see things. 

That's cool I reckon. I like when people stick it out through the hard times as well. Just seems a bit odd to put it in a picture. Doesn't it go without saying that resilience is an admirable qualilty?

It seems like it would be a bit more productive to put "Things I Should Work On" as the heading of this list.

#ShitIveNeverHeard

I usually just drink. 

It won't work because I'm mayor of the friend zone. It won't work because "It will ruin the friendship." Well damnit the friendship will be over sooner or later if I finally get the balls to admit to myself that someone else in the world can make me happy. I don't believe anyone else can make me happy. Wait, is that the one reason it will work? This picture just mindfucked me. 

Yeah no shit. Try it for year after year. I don't have enough fingers and toes for how many times I've watched this happen.

I don't let go. Making this little number twice as annoying. I don't let go. I guess what makes things like this burn me is when I see people who seem to be oblivious to others and post this stuff. I've felt the way these pictures and quotes describe a million times but I guess I just thought it wasn't worthy of writing down and putting online. Seriously. I look at one person's Tumblr and I'm like "Damn. Are they all this bad?" The answer is that in all the images I saw on Tumblr, that person's and a shit ton of randos, yeah they are mostly that bad. 

If this doesn't all add up I'm sorry for how random it seems. Things just get to me. If you read my last post you will get this, I had the drug again on saturday night. Trust me people, the drug doesn't mix with alcohol. One minute everyone is chilling by the fire and the next I'm damn near crying telling someone everything I think before I even know I thought it. Everyone has feelings and some bastard decided to invent alcohol so we could vomit those feelings into the lap of the person we're in love with and hope to hell they don't think "Well fuck here he goes again." 

The deepest thoughts are meant to stay deep. Because the second you let them go to the wrong person then every bit of power you had is lost. You're leverage is gone, and saving face is no longer an option. You can play cool when you see them and act like shit is normal but they know now. You told them what you held down for six years and they are free to do with it what they will. Maybe it will get held over my head and I'll get taken advantage of like times before. Maybe they can play it cool and get on with their lives without you because its pretty goddamn obvious that getting on without you is easy. These are all things meant to stay inside. Things that should only be shared when the time is right. The problem is that whiskey doesn't care that she just started dating the 43rd person since you've told her you loved her. Whiskey wanted the words out and whiskey got its way. 

I guess the reason that Tumblr jumped all over me is this. I went six weeks without speaking to her and thought I had it made. I had started talking to other girls and thought maybe I could pull this off. The sad fact is that I can't pull it off. Call me weak if you want. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Reality is a bitch and the bitch of my reality is that no matter how much time has passed, I will come back. I can delete her number  but I will never forget it. I can burn the pictures but if I blink I will still see them. The bitch of my reality is that I can't make myself stop before I get the shot that I know I deserve. 

Light It Up

I'm never coming down off you, no.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Tell me that I loved too hard, I took it too far.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Tell me that I lost my brain, its all down the drain. 

Its too far gone to turn back now.

The parachute's locked, the breaks went out. 

And why don't you try it. 

I know you baby, I swear you'll like it. 

Light it up.

Light it up. 

Light it up.

I'm ready to go, ready to go.

Overdosin' on you babe, high off your love. 

My Excuse Is That I'm Young

Well I haven't written the next part of my short story.  My time has been spoken for lately.  I just turned in an eight and six page research for English and Sociology. It really sucked writing them. But if you have questions about white collar crime or Ernest Hemingway, I'm the man to ask.  I've also been busy with fraternity stuff lately. It has been an average semester so far. I promised myself that I would keep this updated often, but lying to myself is nothing new to me. 

Like many other entries and as the title says, this entry is inspired by music. I know it has been out for months but I'm just now getting into Take Care, a Drake album.  Its a solid album.  I'd suggest it to any rap fan or any pop fan. It has a feel to it like 808's and Heartbreak by Kanye. Not as much rapping as expected and some r&b vibes. Drake has his songs that he is the typical rap star talking about fame, sex, and money. The intriguing thing about this album is the songs that talk about how fame hasn't filled the holes in his life and hasn't ultimately made him a happy person. I can relate a little.

I haven't achieved worldwide fame and money like Drake has. However, I know where he is coming from. Fame is what he thought he wanted. Money was supposed to make him happy. The weed, the lean, the women. They were all supposed to make him happy. The way I relate is that I've achieved something that hasn't been everything I thought it would be.

Last fall I rushed. Pledgeship and initiation were some of the best things to happen to me. Before pledgeship, I had one brother. Pledgeship gave me ten. Initiation gave me forty. Going Greek was the best choice that I have ever made. However, the fraternity didn't fulfil all that I thought it would. In my mind, becoming a brother would solve everything in my life. I would have friends for life, have people to be around all the time, party whenever I wanted, and have women flocking to me.  I don't think I'm the only person guilty of high expectations of everything falling into place by themselves. 

The fact is, being in a fraternity did give me friends to be around constantly. However, it doesn't mean that I don't have to work towards building relationships with my brothers. I am around girls all the time but, that hasn't made me any less skeptical of asking a girl for her number. I can chat a girl up all day long, but when it comes to anything past small talk, I'm still nervous as a seventh grader.

I guess my main point is that expecting something you do or achieve to fix everything is unrealistic. Do not get me wrong. I love my fraternity with everything, but it didn't make me into a completely different person without problems and a past.

There is a song on Take Care called Marvin's Room. In the song, Drake is at a party and finds himself drunk and going through his phone for old flames. He calls one and more or less says that he is intoxicated, has had plenty of women in the last week, and is famous. However, he still asks someone he has loved and lost to stay on the phone and take the weight off his shoulders. The way I relate is that I have been so blessed in life and in my fraternity but, I still find myself intoxicated wanting to talk to the person I love most. I still have weight on my shoulders that only they can carry. As Drake says, I end up just wanting to call and say, "I'm just sayin, you could do better."

On Take a Shot for Me, Drake is a bit more mean. He uses his fame to get back at an ex. It is a song that hits a nerve pretty hard with me. "I made it. Yeah, I made it. First I made you who you are and then I made it." Sometimes you can't help but to say you made someone who they are. Especially when you were with them through their toughest times in life. The best part of the song is when he says, "And the voice in your speaker, that's me." I won't ever record a song and be the voice in some one's speaker. However, sometimes my biggest wish is to be the voice in some one's ear. I want to be the person in my drunk dial victim's ear. When they end up occupying your mind so much, isn't it normal for you to want them to feel the same?

Chapter 4

In tenth grade, I was given a journal assignment in English class.  My teacher said it needed to be about the Bible.  However we wanted to approach it was fine, we just had to write about something from the Bible.  My journal was about the story of Cain and Abel.  We had recently studied figurative language so I thought I would use every bit of figurative language I could.  It was about Abel trying to flee the Lord after murdering his brother.  I thought I was just throwing around descriptive words and hoped for a decent grade.  Turns out that what I wrote was pretty good.  I made a 100 and my English teacher encouraged me to sign up for the creative writing class that started the next semester.  I signed up and loved the class.  Tenth grade was when I realized one of the few talents in my life.  Since that time, writing has come natural to me.  I do it for enjoyment and to get my thoughts out.  This will be the first time in quite a while that I have written a short story.  It will be divided into chapters.  I hope you all enjoy it.

Tell Me Why

Well its been a while since I've posted anything on here, and for those of you who check up on this site, I apologize.  Life has been a bit busy as of late.  Let me get you up to speed here since you come here because you're so interested in what I've got going on.  I started school at Northwest Shoals Community College.  It isn't nearly as bad as I expected.  I have been on a feverish job hunt.  It is as bad as expected.  Also, I have spent the last week at a good bit of Step Sing practices.  Although I am not in the show, Kappa Sigma has been practicing at my mom's place of employment so I hung out, watched, listened, critiqued, annoyed, and enjoyed my brothers.  That's about it.  Not much of a good excuse for skipping a month of posts but its all I got. 

"So what's on your mind Josh?" you ask.  That's a damn good question.  The truth is, alot of things are on my mind.  The problem is, I have to decide which one to tell you people about.